Monday, September 17, 2007

“I read the news today, oh boy...”

In this special edition of one of the regular features of mwbh, we provide a profile of readers of America's major newspapers, courtesy of Icarus Fallen's own Alberto Hurdato. Occasionally I'm preoccupied with the day's work, and just break down and steal material. Oh, the shame of it...

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country — if they could find the time — and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it , thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Oregonian is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.


Zach said...

That was drop dead funny. I just about fell out of my chair.

Anonymous said...

Love it! I am a retired newsman in Southern California. The LA Times outlook was "It didn't happen until the Times published it," while the rule of thumb for the Orange County (Santa Ana) Register was, "Don't believe it until they run a correction or retraction." The Register is Libertarian, but try to get any of their bosses to agree on just what a Libertarian is.