"I read the news today, oh boy..."

From the wires of the Associated Press, Reuters, and other unmentionable sources:

• A man from New York state, recognized as the oldest man in America, celebrated his 113th birthday on Monday. Fred Hale Sr greeted the day in quiet fashion with four generations of descendants at his side.

• US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has won this year's "Foot in Mouth" award for the most baffling statement by a public figure. Britain's Plain English Campaign announced the honors Tuesday, giving runner-up to California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The top prize went to Rumsfeld for the following at a press briefing on Iraq: "Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns, there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don't know we don't know."

• "How do you keep 'em down on the farm, after they've seen..." Paris Hilton, the young, blond, nubile hotel heiress who has been getting almost as much press attention as Michael Jackson, if for reasons far less apparent, will accompany the equally spoiled brat Nicole Richie, in living with an Arkansas farm family on the latest (desparate) attempt by Fox to cash in on the "reality show" craze. It's a show called, ironically, "The Simple Life."

Finally, and with the farthest reaching implications:

• After over a quarter-century of enthusiasts of modern square dancing (the systematically homogenized variety where they belong to clubs and wear obnoxious western outfits, not to be confused with the traditional genre with regional variations intact) getting one state after another to make square dancing their state folk dance, they've finally hit a snag -- where else, but in Pennsylvania, where as everybody knows, polka reigns supreme. The vote in the state legislature has been put on hold these last two weeks, due to fears that such an effort would seem trivial. (Trivial? HAH!! Accordion players, TO THE RAMPARTS!!!)