Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Catholic Jihad

"Yesterday at the Basilica of Our Lady of Consolation in Carey, Ohio, Catholic pilgrims were threatened and treated rudely by... a radical Evangelical group that believes that all Catholics are going to hell unless they turn away from Catholicism... It was rather bizarre that what few headlines did appear about the events in Carey on Sunday night stated that some fights broke out... One might think a few drunken Catholics had a few too many beers at a parish festival from a headline such as that instead of Catholics being verbally assaulted."

I don't see the problem with defending the Faith by kicking someone's @$$ who is begging for it, do you?


Jack said...

The folks @ the Basilica of Our Lady of Consolation can shine with pride if they recall the "secrets" of our Catholic tradition...

Now, this information is for Catholics only. It must not be
divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the
rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners
looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of
Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Let those @#$% Evangelists in Carey, OH just eat their ever lovin' hearts out!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious, Jack -- and quite true! Thanks for the laugh.