Vice President Joe Biden promises that every American will have a free rectal exam, just as President Obama encourages men and women to vote like their "lady parts" depend on it. (Huh?) Hear about these stories and more from the folks at Pajamas Media.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the universe:
• Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, nobody could read. (TOR.com)
... while closer to planet Earth:
• Ohio State quarterback is quoted on Twitter saying that he should only come to college to play football because "we ain't come to play SCHOOL." Obviously. (Deadspin)
• In Russia, an eleven-year-old boy found a woolly mammoth. Fortunately, it was already dead -- for 30,000 years. (Daily Mail)
• Speaking of the dead, zombies are now teaching CPR in public services announcements. What will those wacky Canadians do next? (Heart & Stroke Foundation)
• Finally, with the fall wedding season underway, did you hear about the wedding in Yorkshire with thirty bridesmaids? Their outfits don't appear to match, which should take some of the pressure off. (Daily Mail)
And that's all the news that fits. As (what's left of) the week goes on, stay tuned, and stay in touch.