"I read the news today, oh boy..."

From the wires of the Associated Press, and other unmentionable sources:

• Next time, keep the change! In East St Louis, IL, a man and his pay phone were rushed to the hospital when his finger got stuck in the coin return slot. In the ER, Emanuel Fleming was administered painkillers while they successfully pried his middle finger loose using a wooden device and a lubricant. Seems Fleming tried to call his wife and the line was busy. The entire episode took three hours. All this... over fifty cents.

• He knows when you've been bad or good -- and he's got your number. At a mall in Kalamazoo MI, Santa's helpers will hand out pagers that alert parents and their kiddies when it's their turn to sit on Santa's knee. No waiting in line for up to two hours for these little runts, as had been done in the past. Now let's see if they can wait at least until the day after Thanksgiving.

• What this world really needs is.. another cult film. The other night, on the Lifetime cable channel, they showed a made-for-TV movie about the life of Mary Kay, the cosmetic queen. The role of the makeup maven was played by Shirley MacLaine.

• They're putting the Easy into the Big Easy. As if it were not already, New Orleans is on its way to becoming the Las Vegas of the South. A new law will allow visitors from out of state to get married there without the required three-day waiting period. What's more, is that the city's marriage licensing office is now also open on weekends. Lovebirds can fly in Friday night, get a license on Saturday, spend a honeymoon in New Orleans, and return to civilization -- as a married couple.

• Finally, a camera with its own flash. Police in Columbus OH may have caught a man who is accused of sneaking up on women wearing nothing but a baseball cap and photographing their expressions.

• You like me, you really like me -- right??? Monica Lewinsky was quoted about how, when she goes on a date, wants the complete attention of her companion: "I want to shake them and say, 'C'mon, just like me. Do what I say.'"

It was Louie Armstong who said it best: "Some people don't know, and you just can't tell 'em."