“I read the news today, oh boy ...” (Saints Cornelius and Cyprian Edition)

This writer is reporting to you from his temporary location just north of "the Queen City of the West," otherwise known as Cincinnati.

Here's a few of the things we picked up from elsewhere on planet Earth:

• As a young man in love, your heart may have skipped a beat, but what if it stopped for 45 minutes, like it did for this guy near Columbus, Ohio? (WCMH-TV)

• Meanwhile, in Boston (of all places), a homeless man found a backpack filled with nearly $42,000 in cash at a shopping mall, and turned it over to the police. They gave him a citation. They should have given him a job. (Reuters)

• Speaking of things that Kant possibly happen, two men in a city in southern Russia got into an argument over the work of the 18th century philosopher, who hailed from what is now the city of Kaliningrad. That's when things got ugly. (Reuters)

• At least Immanuel's name was easy to spell. On the other hand, a woman in Hawai'i with a 35-letter surname has persuaded authorities to change their ID card and driving license formats so it would fit. (To make matters worse, in Malay-Polynesian languages, adjoining vowel sounds are pronounced separately.) (Sky News)

• Finally, in an account that makes yours truly relieved that he never had to raise a daughter, read about the lengths one man went to (or, should we say, the lack thereof) to keep his daughter from dressing like a skank. (Twitchy)

And that's all the news that fits. As the week goes on (and as we head on home), stay tuned, and stay in touch.